What to Avoid

Don’t rush in at the first sign of trouble. Calls to the professor, to the business office, or to housing should be made by your son/daughter (the student). You should be teaching the student to solve problems on his own. Don’t forget, too, that you are not painting a strong picture of the student in the eyes of people she will be working with for the next four or more years. It’s time the student learns to deal with others and negotiate problems.

Don’t encourage the student to come home every weekend. The student needs to settle in, and this will be difficult enough without returns to the nest. A high school girlfriend or boyfriend and the student’s circle of home town friends can be a magnet, but perhaps time away from them will be healthy and allow the student to bond with her new community.

Don’t pry or insist on access to the student’s records. Privacy laws protect student records, and even those paying the bills may not peek. Only the student can sign a waiver to allow access. Still, it may be best for parents to begin to respect the student’s privacy and not probe into every area of the student’s life.

Don’t treat a mistake like a disaster. There will be mistakes and poor decisions in the first year of college. After all, the first semester and the first year of college life are the toughest. Students will struggle with new expectations in academics, in their social lives, and from their personal perspectives. Remember, people learn from mistakes. This is a time for forbearance and patience.

Don’t expect that you will face the same person who left in August at Thanksgiving time. Because the student is experiencing a lot of differences at college, she will be exposed to new ideas, new ways of doing things, new ways of defining himself. Trying something new should be an outcome of the college experience. Try to be understanding.

What You Can Do as a Parent

Do attend orientation programs with the student. This is a good opportunity to put names and faces together and to note the feel and look of campus. When the student calls home, you will, then, have a reference point in mind when the student talks about his daily life. Orientation also provides you the chance to learn about the many services offered at the college which could be helpful to you and your son or daughter. Don’t leave without names and numbers of contact people for you to call if you need any assistance.

Do give students a crash course on how to take care of themselves. You would be surprised how many can not balance a check book, don’t know when their car’s inspection sticker needs to be replaced, or have no clue about how to judge the amount of soap for their laundry load. Basics in sewing, making repairs, using a credit card and so much more, may not be as obvious to your 18-year old as you might think.

Stay in touch. It is a good support for parents to stay in touch maybe once a week with a new college student. This allows you to assess the student’s attitude, learn about her course work, listen to concerns, and offer advice and encouragement.

Send care packages. Your student will feel both supported and get in touch with home if you send care packages. Send favorite home cooked things, pictures of their pet or of activities they have done at home with you. Send any words of wisdom you have or clip a humorous cartoon. Just keep home and family alive for them.

Visit the campus. If a student is lonely but trying not to come home too often, it might help for you to make a visit. Plan to do something with the student that involves a campus activity. Take in a play or a sporting event, meet his roommate, lead the way while being a familiar face.

Talk over concerns or problems. When a student has a problem, talk them through the concern to get them through the anger or panic mode. Brain storm with them who on campus might best assist them and then encourage them to do their own leg work.

Refer them to people who can help. Let the student know he may not have you at his side but that there are many people to help on campus. Remind the student that faculty and staff expect to be called upon. Let the student know the Dean of Students is a gateway to lots of non-academic services which include the health center the counseling center, tutors, writing or math labs, even clergy. Urge them to make early contact.

Be positive. It is important to remain positive. If you are critical in the same way the student is, you may be reinforcing the student’s negativity and inhibiting his ability to act toward a solution. Try to remember the student has a narrow view of the way college works, especially in her first year. Give students a broader perspective that offers possibilities.

Converse with a student, not at him/her. You have to be there to discuss what is part of life. Talk about drinking, sex, and drugs, even before they move to campus. Look at mistakes, yours and theirs, and evaluate ways of handling them. Be willing to range across academic work, activities, relationships, recreation, feelings—in short, everything to keep the dialogue open and the lines humming. Listen, be open-minded, and be an equal in talk.

Respect the student’s new independence during home visits. The old curfew might not work! Of course, there should be house rules for your convenience; you run the home! And, there should not be any undermining of family values. You may not want her to stay out all night, but perhaps she can come in an hour or two later than when she was in high school. Negotiating with the young adult will give him more confidence and self-assurance.

Pitfalls to Be Aware Of

There are some things to think about and be aware of to help a parent deal with possible problems through anticipation.

• Know that many first-year students generally socialize first and attend to academics second, even third. Know also they procrastinate. Encourage them to focus on their studies first.

• Warn them about the pitfalls of using credit cards. It might be worth the time to calculate monthly payments at 24%. You and your student may wish to agree on a minimum credit level for cards they do use.

• Discourage them from working too many hours at a job during their first year at college. Fifteen to twenty hours is the prescribed limit.

• Know the warning signs of possible trouble. A month of no contact either way, the student’s seeming to have little course work to do, no discussion of activity or participation or mention of friends’names, or wanting to be home all the time could signal a need to evaluate whether or not college is a good choice at this time or may indicate a more personal concern.

• Help the student appreciate that a college or university is not an oasis from state and federal laws. Explain there are real consequences for breaking laws and be sure to discuss your expectations for behavior along with legal limits.

• Understand that an 18-year-old may not be ready for the college experience. Allow a year off, with a work experience, for the student to grow into the value of college. Also understand that changes of majors can be expected as students discover new possibilities and explore new areas of study.
  

Contact Information

There are two people you can always start with. One is the academic dean or program director of your student. S/he will head up the college your student is enrolled in or oversee the program of studies she has entered. This person will be able to trouble shoot worries or concerns about courses and grades. The other is the dean of students or student affairs. S/he will be able to direct you and your student with problems of all natures outside the classroom. Their jobs are about helping you and students and making the college experience the best it can be. And, they’ve heard it all!